While Janey sat in the window overlooking the busy street, waiting for breakfast, she did feel somewhat guilty for sleeping with her sister’s fiancé but guilt was an emotion she never experienced in any great degree. She thought she might not have a conscious. While in El Salvador she had felt many things that to her seemed like consciousness and often she went out of her way to go the extra mile for people whose situations were dire. Her supervisor told her she excelled at humanitarian-think. Janey began to imagine maybe she was not so bad after all, that she did have a soul; her mother was disappointed in her and thought living in Berkeley with her reprobate father had ruined her. Janey once overheard her say she was glad she had Emily because her other daughter had "gone to the dogs." Janey was very hurt by this and it gave her a complex. Like Ben, she too was slightly askew but it did not manifest itself in the same way. He was rendered silent and brooding; she acted out in a variety of reckless ways.
Now she'd slept with her sister's boyfriend less than forty-eight hours in the country. Why had she done it? If you had asked Janey, she would laugh and say that Ben was cute and sad and lonely and maybe her sister just didn't have enough warmth to give him. She would justify it by attacking Emily. That was her mode, one of the games she played. She was intuitive enough to know this and was going to make a very good psychologist one day.
"Okay, breakfast is ready," said Ben setting the small table in the kitchenette.
"I'm starving," she said. "How sweet you are Ben. Emily is lucky."
"Yeah, I'm not sure she'd agree with you on that," said a sullen Ben.
"Oh don't start with the guilt," said Janey. It's too early, I'm too hungry and you're too darling for words. I think I may be a little in love with you."
Oh God, thought Ben. But then he felt a little shiver go up his spine, a spine he'd never recognized before and chewed on a piece of bacon, for the first time without registering its taboo.
Janey ate with relish saying she hadn't had a real American breakfast for two years and how it was superior to what anyone else ate for breakfast. That he was a wonderful cook and she knew he had a plethora of underused talent she was sure Emily had no idea of. “Yes,” said Ben. “I sleep with her sister while she is at work earning money to pay for the kitchen we’re so greedily eating in as well as the food.” He was sure to suffer hell and damnation for this one. He began to realize the depth of deceit they'd participated in and his mood started to sink.
Janey too began to realize what she'd done and became quiet. After eating, they washed the dishes together and talked little. They then went into the living room and sat on the couch--very close together. She cuddled him and tried to bring out some humor which she succeeded at. Before long he was rubbing her thighs, still bare, and she laid her head in his lap and they smoked the rest of the joint from the day before. He thought she had fallen asleep but she began to talk in a low monotone, sounding more like Emily.
"My sister and I really are close, Ben. It's just that life with Dad was not exactly proper. He is an old radical and really quite unaware of what his young daughter was exposed to. As I said, Em was still playing with her dolls and thought going to a school dance was the height of adulthood. I was on a college campus hanging out with hippies and street people at twelve, smoking joints at thirteen, lost my virginity at fourteen, saw a homosexual act between my father's assistant and a visiting professor in our home at age fifteen. I kept trying to shock Dad but he is unshockable and his only concern seemed to be getting his students into bed. There was always one of them hanging around our house and Dad was oblivious. Em came one Christmas and after she saw a poli-sci major creeping out of his room after a pre-Christmas dinner she packed in a huff and took a taxi to the airport. She was so out of place and nervous she went home and informed our mother of all the sordid doings. Mother freaked out, naturally, and tried to get me to finish high school in Vermont, but by that time I was too rebellious to go along with her plans and she basically wrote me off as the "lost" daughter. Em never came back to California though I still went to Vermont in the summer but I could tell Mother thought I was a bad influence and I was hurt. Em was torn and so I stopped going. Just another clueless dysfunctional family. What is your family like, Ben? Are your parents still married?"
"Yes, they are but I often wonder why. There doesn't seem to be any warmth but then again, who knows what really goes on between couples, especially parents. They want me to become a lawyer, be a success on their terms and wish I was marrying a Jewish girl. I make them nervous and they return the favor."
"Well, mine were a disaster and we did know all about it."
Janey's voice had grown meek, her spunk had left her and her smile was replaced by a pensive look that belied the little girl she once was. Ben at first thought her sophisticated and daring but could now see she was not so different from Emily. They both had an inner sadness that played out differently. Emily was no-nonsense, aloof and driven: Janey was all nonsense, scandalous with a need for attention. Ben was thinking about this when he noticed Janey was asleep in his lap, which aroused him, in more than one way. He got up, lifting her head gently and covered her with a blanket and wondered how things would turn out: she was going to be with them for five more days. This thought was both thrilling and nerve-wracking. He went back to the abandoned VCR of yesterday--before life played a trick on him.
Emily had a long day. She was hung-over for sure, but there was something else she couldn't quite articulate even to herself. At four, she made an excuse and went home. Ben was studying at his desk and for this Emily was grateful. She did not want to walk in on another scene like the day before. The apartment was neat, the toilet had been fixed and something was cooking in the oven. Ben was a good cook. He had worked in a fine restaurant during law school and had a knack for chopping, dicing and filleting. It made him feel relaxed, a feeling he was always striving for. They rarely felt the need to go to a restaurant which saved money.
"I'm sorry I was so testy this morning, Ben," Emily said.
"That's okay. I knew how you were feeling," said Ben. He had a hard time looking her in the eye but was glad to see her calm.
"Where's Jane?"
"She went out to see your mother. I don't know when she's coming back but her suitcase is still here so I guess she will be coming back at some time," said Ben morosely.
"Why the doldrums? Was she a big pain all day?"
"No, not really. She slept a lot. The jet lag finally got to her I guess."
"Yeah, she was a live-wire yesterday. I'm glad she's calmed down, especially for Mother. We don’t have to let her stay here, you know."
"Yeah, well..." Ben was at a loss. "I'm making dinner in any case. Your favorite, roast chicken," he said, trying to quell the sickly remorse he was feeling.
"Thanks. Maybe food will glue my stomach together. I threw up at work. Can you believe that? I'm mortified because a colleague heard me and snickered.‘Too much partying,’ she said, and laughed on her way out of the ladies room. Fuck her anyway."
"I still don't understand why you never told me about her, Emily. This really bothers me. It makes me wonder what else you're hiding. Like I'll never really know you," said Ben.
"I said I was sorry, what more can I say? Sometimes I like to forget her. I spent my whole life thinking of her. Is she okay in California? Does she like me? Will she continue to make Mother sad? Once I got to college I tried to forget her a little. Not completely, she's my sister, but just to think of something else for a change. She caused us a lot of worry. And not only that, she visited me at school once and went out with a guy I had a crush on and after she left he kept saying 'I really like your sister, you're nothing alike, are you?' and it made me furious. So you see, we have 'issues.' I'm over it but when I came in and saw the two of you drinking in the afternoon and by the way, I know what else you were doing--smoking pot--which you told me you wouldn't do anymore, well, I felt threatened somehow. I know you wouldn't go for her, Ben. I know she's not your type but...well, let's forget about it. She's here until the weekend but I think she'll be busy with Mother. They're going shopping for a cell phone and some clothes so she won't have to wear my rejects that are too small."
Ben felt he had just dodged a bullet but remained in the kitchen, out of her sight and they had a quiet dinner. Janey came back in at nine and they watched TV until bedtime. Ben was torn up inside. When he got in bed, he made no advances to Emily even though he sensed she might be willing: it was Janey he longed for. He was surely going to burn in hell. That night he had a dream in which they were at a beach and Janey and his old roommate Doug were splashing naked in the waves while Emily was pulling him by one arm and his grandmother, who has been dead for ten years pulled his other arm shouting, "Stay away from the shiksa, you'll drown." Ben wanted desperately to get into that water.
The next morning Emily was in better spirits and invited Janey to meet her for lunch. Janey hugged her sister and they went through Emily's closet and drawers looking for things she could wear. After Emily left for work Janey threw a complicated dress over her head but the zipper got stuck in her hair and she called Ben to help her. Her arms were raised above her head and she was naked except for a ball of fabric that covered her face. Ben almost melted; felt a fire from his teeth to his toes. He got her hair released from the zipper and laid the dress on the bed. He rubbed her breasts, kissed her and they went back to bed for the rest of the morning. Ben could not get over that she was so uninhibited. He had complete access to her body as he'd never had with Emily's. At eleven-thirty Janey got up and tried the dress again, ready to meet Emily.
Ben sulked around the apartment, too jittery for any useful endeavor and went to the gym. Emily called at three sounding touchy and weepy. Ben thought of what Janey had said about feeling what each other felt. He wondered if Emily felt her sister's betrayal. Would Janey say anything? He thought not. What then were they going to do? One time was a lark, a mistake, anyone can lapse. But after day two, Ben began to take a different view. He was in a dilemma and knew this was going to be with him for awhile. Once Janey left he would calm down, he thought. Eventually, he would forget about her. He just had to hold on and not let Emily be hurt. This was a goal he could meet, he said to himself running as fast as the treadmill would go. They would be okay. His insides were roiling with anxiety.
Emily and Janey arrived home at six and once again Ben had dinner prepared.
"What a darling your boyfriend is," said Janey to Emily. “You do know that, don’t you?”
"Yes, he's a great, and more important, willing cook," said Emily. She gave Ben a rueful gaze that he couldn’t quite decipher and he dared not look to Janey for clarification.
“Silly, it’s not just his cooking…,” Janey started to say but shut up fast when she saw terror in Ben’s eyes. “I mean, he’s very sensitive,” she added, diffidently.
After that the conversation drifted and Ben and Emily took up the law books while Janey made phone calls, talked to both her mother and father and watched TV. They again went to bed early and at about three a.m. he awoke to find Janey in the bed next to Emily. While the bed was big enough for the three of them, Ben wasn't taking any chances. He moved to the couch. The next morning Emily again left early for work and Ben and Janey were alone. Both were a little more subdued and tried to avoid each other. Ben made breakfast and when Janey came to the table in just a t-shirt with nothing else on he was as scrambled as the eggs.
"Tell me something Janey, do you never wear underwear?"
She laughed and admitted she didn't have any. That it was so hot where she had come from and water so scarce she finally gave it up. "You have to understand how sweltering it was. None of the women wore bras. They couldn't afford them and they were considered a hindrance. They were always nursing anyway. So I got used to living the way they live. In any case, I rarely wore one in Berkeley until I was twenty. You will also be shocked to learn that I posed nude for an artist friend of my father's. And once I even posed for his figure-drawing class. I'm just not inhibited or ashamed of my body. My father took me to nude beaches along the coast when I was about eleven and ever since, I am a free spirit. My father believed it was healthy. My mother, needless to say, was mortified the first time I walked into her room naked. So is Emily. So are you, I can tell but you like it, don't you?"
Ben actually blushed. He couldn't deny it. "I'm not as much of a prude as you may think, Janey. I took figure-drawing in college. But there wasn't anything particularly sexual about it. It was an older woman with sagging skin and masses of pubic hair. And then we had a guy with a beer gut."
Janey laughed. "I didn't know you were an artist. But I did know you had hidden talents, didn't I? I said so the minute I met you. Would you like to draw me? I'd like to see how well you draw and how you will portray me," she said just a little flirtatiously.
"Maybe. After breakfast," said Ben.
"Ah, you're hesitating. You're inhibited," she added.
"Yeah, I haven't tried drawing for a long time. I might not be any good at it."
"Well, give it the old college try. We haven't got anything else to do and I know you don't want to sit with your nose in that textbook all day," she said.
"You've got that right," said Ben. "I'll be so glad when the exam is over and Emily can think of something else."
"You don't really care if you become a lawyer, do you?"
"I do and I don't. I've put a lot of time into it but I'm just not driven by it."
"Bah! What nonsense."
"Janey, it's what I went to school for. What my parents sacrificed for. I have to. Emily is expecting it and I can't let everyone down."
"Well, you know my thoughts on it. But it's not my life so I’ll say no more. Get out your pencils, boy, I want to see what you can do."
Ben dug an old sketchbook and some charcoal from a drawer in the storage bin. In it he found a drawing he'd done of Emily when they first met. She is sitting in the grass beneath an ancient oak tree on campus reading a book. It wasn't a great drawing, Ben admitted, but he saved it because it was Emily. Her face was not quite right but the pose was good.
Janey slipped out of the t-shirt without Ben’s request and stretched out on the couch in a classic pose. She put her arm behind her head and the other over her abdomen. Ben got into artist mode and began. He turned on the radio, they both relaxed and the time flew by. Ben captured her completely and this pleased him. When she looked at it tears came to her eyes. "That is so lovely, Ben. You do have talent. How can you be a lawyer? It's too ludicrous." He didn't know why she was crying but he felt moved himself and put his arms around her where they stood, saying nothing but just hugging with what seemed a small eternity.
Janey got dressed and went out. Ben sat and stewed for the rest of the day, occasionally looking at the drawing. It really was pretty good, he thought, before he put the sketchbook safely out of sight in a bottom drawer.
The week wore on. They went out a couple of nights, went to movies, had a friend of Janey's from San Francisco over for dinner, had various family get-togethers and went to a museum exhibit of architectural drawings that Janey and Ben loved but left Emily cold. “Too dry,” she said. “I’m more moved by literature and music. I also like ballet and modern dance a lot.” Janey said she loved painting, photography and jazz. Ben liked sculpture, architecture, furniture design and folk music. None of them liked opera but all were Bob Dylan fans even though he was so old. Emily liked the Beach Boys, Janey liked U2 and Ben liked Bruce Springsteen. Soon Janey would leave.
On her last day, they were discussing what to do though no one had any brilliant ideas. Ben wanted to go hiking so they all agreed. Emily said she would have to work at least for the morning but would meet them at noon. Ben was going to rent a car to get them out of town. When they picked up Emily outside her building she was with a man, introduced as Theo, a little older than they were but not much. He said he wanted to play hooky and come with them. Ben had never met this guy but he worked with Emily. He was a junior partner. He suspected that she brought him along for her sister because Janey had made a joke about being such a third wheel. Emily was good that way; always looking out for others.
The four of them stopped to buy picnic supplies even though it was going to be pretty cold. The day was brisk, not quite spring, but not quite winter. The sun was bright. They were all wearing down parkas and heavy boots. Ben tried not to look at Janey too much and once when he grabbed her hand while on the trail he dropped it and apologized saying he thought it was Emily and wasn't that funny? That was the second time that had happened. That morning he put his arm on her shoulder, jumped away guiltily, Emily thought, and mumbled, "Oh, I thought it was you, Em." Emily knew this was certainly possible but noted that he never really touched her in that familiar languid way. She tried not to think about it but would be glad when Janey went back to California.
They had an invigorating hike, a satisfying lunch in the outdoors and headed back to the city worn out and content. Janey was leaving the next morning on an early flight. Ben was keeping the car to take her to the airport. Emily said she couldn't go because she'd already taken too much time off that week. Ben told Janey he would miss her and made a joke about double the pleasure from the old TV ad. Emily ignored it but Janey was touched and hugged Ben and ruffled his hair. She told Emily again what a great guy she had found for herself. Emily ignored that too. She wanted to get Ben back into their routine and make up the time they spent not studying for the bar exam.
In the morning Janey made a great fuss over her suitcase again. She had an entirely new wardrobe including underwear that her mother supplied. In private, over their last breakfast Ben teased Janey about her new cotton briefs and no-nonsense bras. She promised to wear them. They kept away from the bedroom but did a little kissing in the living room. Both were feeling things neither of them knew what to make of. The ride to the airport was subdued though Janey tried to make jokes and tease. Ben felt he'd been sideswiped by a hurricane. His emotions were bubbling inside and his body was yearning. "Some habits will be hard to break," he said finally.
"Oh yeah, like what darling boy? Or should I call you brother?"
"Well, sex in the morning, baths, long breakfasts, fun, adventure...stuff."
"Maybe you'll have to visit me in California. There are wonderful hiking trails in and around Berkeley. Endless, really."
"Maybe if I ever get the bar exam over with."
"Have you thought about what you'll do if you don't pass it?"
"Are you kidding? Emily would kill me if I even thought it."
"You guys are too much."
"Thanks. And you're not?"
"Not what?"
"Too much. You my dear lady in the buff are definitely too much. Too much of a good thing."
"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
"Well it's the truth, Janey. You're something special. I've had the best time of my life this last week." What was he saying? He had to forget this week ever happened--burn it from his brain, if necessary.
Janey thought she might cry so she didn't say anything for some time. Then they arrived at the airport and all was turbulence as airports usually are and there was no time for any more talk. He couldn't go to the boarding terminal so they said goodbye, kissed and Ben walked back to the car. Janey waited until he was out of sight before getting in line for her boarding pass. She was sadder than she'd ever been. She had meant it when she said she had fallen in love with Ben. In fact, she had fallen for him when he opened the door for her in those ridiculous glasses with the screwdriver in his hand. She intentionally seduced him; her own sister's fiancé and she had many contradictory emotions going on. But Ben was a lost soul. He still was. He needed some TLC and so did she. She wasn’t quite sure what Emily needed but Janey felt she was still untested; she shirked adventure, the unknown, a trait Janey thought not particularly valuable. What good was being bottled up? Janey was looking forward to studying psychology in more depth. She had a lot of questions.
She loved her sister. She was not in any competition with her but wanted the best for her. For some reason she didn't feel Ben was it. She sensed a disconnect between them and for both, she felt sorry. She wondered if they would eventually connect or fall apart. She wondered if she should tell Emily about sleeping with Ben before they got married but decided to wait and see how things played out. She wondered how she would be able to watch Ben marry her sister when the time came. And what she would find back home in Berkeley? Would her father still be seducing his students? What an old pervert, she thought fondly, looking forward to seeing him at the end of her flight. She had changed a lot over the past two years. She did not look at life the same way as she had. She knew how troubled parts of the world were and would never forget it. She would have to do her part for humanity, as small and insignificant as she was. She wasn't sure but thought she might be ready to grow up. And then wondered if she could be serious enough for such an undertaking. Time will tell, she thought. And then chided herself for one cliche after another.
Our story of Ben Weinberg, the watery, slim, slightly askew fellow with many talents is about to come to its conclusion. You will want to know if he passed the bar this time and the answer to that is he didn't even take it. He skipped out after smoking a joint on the way there thinking it would make him a little less nervous, a little bit smarter but when he arrived, he couldn't go in and instead hung out at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum looking at the empty frame where Vermeer’s “The Concert” had hung until the theft in 1990. He felt as vacant as the that ornate structure waiting for its raison de etre to show itself. He often daydreamed about finding the missing paintings in an abandoned garage or some other forlorn site. He thought about how it would feel to uncover the Rembrandts, seeing them haphazardly rolled up, left to the ravages of dirt and mildew; his pride as he returned them to the museum not accepting the reward, but only the recognition and thanks for his astute powers of observation, his knowing exactly what he had found and calling the FBI. Maybe he would be offered a job with the FBI. Emily was often impatient with him for daydreaming. “Snap out of it, Ben!” she’d bark, testily, when he had only been thinking of the way the shadow of a tree was filled with a multitude of colors when at first glance you see only gray.
Emily had planned a celebratory dinner and bought champagne but something told her it was not to be when Ben still wasn't home at seven. She waited nervously and when he came in and avoided her eyes she knew all was lost. She did not get mad; but she did not open the champagne or prepare the dinner and neither did Ben. He told her he did not take the test and she withdrew into the bedroom and did not come out all night. Ben slept on the couch that smelled like peaches--like Janey.
In the morning Emily went to work but when she came home she told Ben something he was not at all expecting. “You know Theo, who went hiking with us…well, I have been having a thing..affair, you might say, with him for the past month. I’ve been feeling really torn but didn’t want to say anything until you passed the bar.” She would not come near him and spoke in a cold, distant manner, playing with her hands. “Since you did not take the bar, I now feel free to say what is on my mind: I am going to move in with him, you can have this apartment.” She said she hoped he would find a nice Jewish girl for his mother's sake but doubted it because he was too moody, had no ambition and was immature. “And for the record, I found the drawing you did of Janey. I hope I never see either of you again, you have both betrayed me,” she hissed. He said nothing in response. That weekend she moved out.
Ben sat around the apartment for a week with no particular feeling at all. He knew he would have to get a real job if only to pay the rent--a whopping sum. He thought of joining the Marines, the Navy, the Peace Corps, the circus. He didn't see his parents and did not answer the phone when his mother called. He took apart and put together three watches and two clocks. The drawing of Janey was taped to the wall by the bed where they'd had so much fun. He had no idea of anything and walked around aimlessly each day. At night he slept on the couch no longer smelling of Janey.
Spring turned to summer and one day Janey called. She had heard about their breakup but did not say I told you so. She was conciliatory and gentle. She did not say anything about being right about the law profession or his hidden side. But she did invite him to come out to California. “Come on Ben, you sound so depressed. Get out of your head for awhile and try something new. We’ll have a great time; I’m telling you, California is made for the outdoors, it’ll blow you away. Make a move, lost boy, life is waiting for your participation.
“I’m not sure, Jane, what will I do there?”
“Duh. What wouldn’t you do here? Would it help if I told you I have a clock radio that is broken? Get packing. I‘ll see you next week, that’s an order.”
And so, that is the end of the story except to say that Ben and Janey fell into their old pattern immediately. Ben got a job as a landscaper and helped build a Japanese garden so at least one of his dreams came to fruition. He loves California and even consented to taking Janey to a nude beach where they are quite certain she became pregnant. Their daughter, Polly, will arrive in three months. Ben's parents are as happy as can be expected considering Janey is not Jewish but they are ecstatic about a granddaughter. They mourn the loss of another lawyer in the family but have made peace with a “black sheep” in the lineage and only hope he will make something of himself in time. “We are too old to deal with such a challenging son,” said Ben’s father.
Janey's father is a pain in the butt and fighting a sexual harassment suit but Ben finds him amusing nevertheless. Emily married Theo but Ben and Janey were not invited to the small private wedding, nor was their father.
In his spare time Ben has designed and built his daughter’s crib from Eucalyptus wood that plays music and rocks gently for a set time if wound properly. Janey will soon have her master’s and will begin studying for her doctorate in psychology. Ben is reassured by this: he needs all the counseling he can get to figure out who he is. Janey thinks who he is just about perfect. She thought so from the first moment they met and he's only gotten more so in her opinion. Ben is wiped out by love. He has trouble focusing at times because he is often in a swoon. If you see him on Telegraph Avenue you might say he is a little stoned, but he will promptly correct you by saying, “I no longer have to resort to artificial stimulants. I am on a natural high.”
And this is what is called a story with a happy ending.
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