County Jail
St. Petersburg, Florida
Dear W,
I’m so sorry that you are in your current circumstances, that life has let you down so, that what could and should be is not, that you are in trouble, that the past is haunting you, that you have no one to talk to, that you cry yourself to sleep.
It’s awful, isn’t it, that life hands you a wallop of misery just as you are finally learning how to live, how to be, have garnered a few secrets to the contented, efficient life? Only to be brought down by circumstances, it’s terrible isn’t it, to feel so much animosity toward innocent people all because of your own dumb luck?
I’m so sorry dear, you are one of my favorite people in the world, I have always looked up to you. I thought you may be a genius, maybe you are. Maybe that is why you are so troubled, you are not made for this mean world, you are the best in the world. Life for you should be sweet, you have all the attributes--looks, taste, brains, sense of humor, honesty, oh I know you say you’ve lost your sense of humor but you can’t lose it it’s just on a back burner somewhere because you do not find your present predicament all that amusing but don’t worry, it will come back to you. Perhaps you should practice laughing; watch some comedy on TV. You say you are physically unable to smile and that is not good you’ve a nice smile, everyone says so, don’t let those facial muscles turn into a permanent frown, practice smiling in the dark, at night when you are unhappy, alone, so that when all this is over, you will not have lost the ability as you say you have but I don’t believe it for a minute. You’ve always been the one who sees the absurdity in situations and it would be a shame to lose that trait as its not as prevalent as you think--most everyone taking their life and themselves oh so seriously. I’m sorry if that is the case with you presently, as you are a source of fun and have always made others laugh, pointing out all the funny little quirks of fate, of personalities, even those dire newspaper stories meant to instill fear left you pondering the irrationality of events and people, you could see the insanity for what it was and I’ve always valued that in you, I could express my fears over the state of the world and you would lessen them by just the right words, an outlook original and fresh. Journalism is truly your calling.
You say your life is nothing more than a corrupted file and you even go so far as to say that you might have to be deleted or if you cannot be deleted as some files cannot, your entire operating system might have to be purged and either rebuilt or recycled. I don’t know quite what you mean by this analogy--or is it a metaphor? But purging, deleting, recycling are not options for you dear, you are too fine and if your life is corrupted, well I can’t believe that. No, you are just having a phase of awfulness but if you were to really look at your problems in detail you would realize a) they’re unimportant in and of themselves, b) they are temporary, c) time heals all lousy situations, d) they are nothing in the long life you are sure to lead. I know you may not want to hear it, but look deeply into the path you have chosen; acknowledge where you chose wrong.
You say you have taken a look and know you made some wrong moves but that all the options were wrong. When you have only bad options there is no way around bad results. Yes, I agree with you there, it is a question of degrees, which option will be the least uncomfortable, which will allow you some leeway to leverage yourself, yes I agree, you had a difficult choice and you chose wrong it seems but we’ll never know will we? We can’t turn back the pages of your story and rewrite--all you can do is move the plot forward with a little bit of an idea that you choose even if you seem to be in limbo without options and I agree, you do seem to be in a bind.
It’s just that dear one, it does no good putting yourself down, judging so harshly, so what if someone irritates you, maybe they are an irritating person to begin with, yes I know you say you are the only one irritated but that doesn’t mean the irritating factors aren’t there in this person in relation to you, many people have trouble in this area, we aren’t all compatible, there are differences, human proclivities that are thorny. Don’t feel guilty for that, no one gets along with everyone and you my dear have the self-actualized persona that requires autonomy. You do not suffer fools gladly. It is who you are there is no use pretending you are an average person that can adapt to shit or even another’s way. You are a unique being in that you have taken your self into realms others are not even aware exits, we’ve always said that you of all people were not as troubled with the flotsam of the world, that you could see beyond it and not fret the small stuff as they say, you’ve always been above the trivial, the false, the misleading the vanity, that is what was so fresh about you when we first met you. “This person,” I told X, “is above the fray.”
Now I know you will say you are no longer “above” anything. That you are knee deep in shit but that cannot be accurate because you cannot sink that low or if you have, you will soon rise up to normal levels where shit cannot attach itself, I have faith in that as I haven’t in other things, that you will rise again, don’t worry doll, you are too good to stay mired in shit or corrupted beyond repair. You just need to breathe and reboot, please do not consider yourself finished it is not healthy and no one believes it anyway. You have fallen before, X always says that you fall as no one else does but cannot remain low for long, you have too many gifts and might possibly be a genius, don’t shirk that label, no one knows for sure who is a genius anymore. Fashion designers, interior decorators and television producers regularly receive the label, I know the word has been watered down to the point of meaninglessness, so you may not be comfortable with the label, what you are is, nevertheless, what you are and that remains, who you are intrinsically and though false winds do blow, you stand firm in the essential isness of your being, yes I know I’m getting esoteric again, X says “I go lofty” but it is my particular gift, if you will.
I don’t have any more advice because your problem is not inherent but circumstantial. That is both good and bad--good that it’s not who you are, bad that it will require resources you don’t have at present to rectify the deplorable situation you find yourself in. Jail is not anyone’s idea of a good time even if the stay is short. Eventually you will be free and yes, I know, life may never again be the same lark it appeared to be in your younger days, there will be consequences, I am sorry to say but then again, you never know where you will land or with whom, a roundabout way of saying, what the future shall be, shall be though I do not mean to make light of certain constraints you are presently facing, I’m sorry, X is sorry, we think of you, pray for you (I do, X doesn’t pray and wants me to make that clear, little Z is too young to pray) and will only reiterate, you are not a corrupted file, you just unexpectedly crashed and you have to believe someone will come along and reboot if you are unable to do it yourself. Perhaps you don’t have access to the right buttons or programs.
Take care dear, you are valuable even though you don’t see it at this time. We see it clearly. I’m sorry for your low mood, moods are like the weather; constantly in flux. We await your return and continued good cheer, your own special band that we prefer to all others. Love, X, Y, and Z
P.S. We were at a party this past weekend and everyone was asking about you. We told them you were at a retreat, out of the country, destination unknown.
P.S. S. X says he knows you are innocent, that it could not be otherwise. (He’s always been a little in love with you. I’m not jealous, don’t worry, we both love you.)
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