He came to see me again. I don't think it was because he is so enthralled with me but more what I can offer him: a place to stay in the city.
It wasn't always like this. He was, for a time, a little in love with me. He'd grown attached to me; I don't think feelings of love distract him much, he's too self-absorbed and concerned with his inner self. Don't we all wish to be that way? Then again, maybe we are.
In all fairness, I'm not so much in love with him either and keep him around because he brings out my better self; he makes me feel satisfied with my lot in life, with who I am and what I have, none of which I feel when he isn't around. Without him I am dissatisfied and embarrassed at who I've become and what my life has brought me. I constantly wish I could be better, have better and certainly, look better. With him I feel a little flair. I dress with more style, make an effort. He doesn't seem to care about that sort of thing; his business with women is about needs being met, not what anyone looks like. With him I'm stoned a lot of the time and content enough to just let things be. I accept myself for what I am and since he knows my better stuff, I can drift in the attitude that I'm okay. Not so bad. Alone, I fret like no body's business.
He does not know the difference between myself in his presence and the lonely, withering self without him. He thinks because I am no longer affectionate that I don't love him. He won't make any effort in this area at all unless I give him a signal and my feeling is if I have to beg, forget about it. He should want me but I doubt he does because he does not make these feelings known. I wish he would but then I'm old enough to make a pass at a guy I've known for years and sleep with whenever we are together.
He pretends indifference since I wrote him off as a moron and a drunk last year. I apologized numerous times but he's not forgetting. Now when he comes to me, it's just for the convenience. I keep hoping we'll grow closer but he no longer trusts me and really, how can he? I treated him a little badly though at the time I had my reasons.
For now the turmoil seems to have passed. We are together and seemingly calm. We've stopped fighting and just take the best of what is between us and leave the rest. But there is still a piece missing.
Whether we'll find the missing piece and put ourselves back together I am not certain. Both of us are willful and self-centered. He has chemical dependencies that have him living within his own framework. He has a hard time thinking of others or the future while needing a constant fix: these days it is alcohol and lots of it. This is something that puts me off: I just don't share his concern for that first drink in the morning and the need to spend a great deal of money on this river of booze that ends only with sleep--each day to flow again. He says it is his business and to butt out. And while I’m at it, stop calling him names. He has a point and I've clammed up for the most part.
In spite of my negativity, he is a decent fellow. He is artistic, an aesthete. In his company I remember that I am that also. Maybe that is what he likes about me. Mostly I think he likes me for what I can do for him but that is exactly what I like about him so it's not a bad trade-off. I have no high ground to look down on him.
For now we take what we can get. We are enjoying the summer days, the dinners, visiting our friends, going to museums. Maybe someday we can find the missing piece and be able to say we are together as a couple. With a little luck, we could start anew but I suspect I'll have to create his luck as well as mine. He is no longer there.
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